I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
