So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How drunk are you?
Completed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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