Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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