My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
