So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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