why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
