giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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