I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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