3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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