Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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