It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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