I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
