An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
