yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
