a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
