never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
