I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
