i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
