You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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