just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
