Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
