Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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