yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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