I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
