so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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