the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
