I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
