I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
