fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
