You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
should my penis look like a turkey
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
