she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
