we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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