new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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