I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
