If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
