if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
