Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
