Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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