Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My cat gives me a boner
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
