the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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