The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
40s are totally the cure
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
