It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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