When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
