just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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