i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
