I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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