I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
