im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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