I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
