We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
