My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
