why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
