Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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