He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
