Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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