we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
