I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
