can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
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She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
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I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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