oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
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