I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
