I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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