Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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